Questions & Answers
What role does physical attraction have in finding your future husband/wife, and in marriage?
Physical attraction is important. You certainly do not want to be repulsed of your spouse! However, if one is not fully moving through His Holy Spirit, it could be perverted and dangerous to follow a physical attraction. For a spirit-filled believer, physical attraction is not separate from spiritual attraction. If we are walking in the spirit, we will be attracted to both in a healthy manner. As we mentioned in question #1, our initial appearance attraction is quickly followed by attraction to the Spirit within the other person. There are multiple verses in the Bible that mention a person’s looks as beautiful or ‘easy on the eyes’, and it attracts attention. How the story turns out depends on whether the onlooker was righteous or unrighteousness in their response. Consider the difference between Jacob’s attraction to Rachel and non-attraction to Leah. This story depicts Laban as the bad guy, when it is Jacob who is not respecting tradition. His choices cause rivalry in his family for the rest of his life, including jealousy between Rachel’s and Leah’s kids. God used this rivalry, however, to redeem His people through the story of Joseph. Or how about David and Bathsheba? This ended in murder of Bathsheba’s husband and the death of the baby that resulted in the relationship. Samson and Delilah? Not a good ending for Samson but again, God was glorified. Or Abraham’s wife Sarah and the King who was attracted to her and took her into his harem because Abraham lied and said she was his sister? Finally a good one, Solomon is a story of positive use of attraction, and it is played out in marriage.
How do you know that your spouse was the one God had for you?
God lets us choose our friends, our jobs, our spouses. For me, I asked for a sign of someone that would be good for me based on common interests. The Bible is full of stories of God’s people asking for signs to make sure they were in His will. Any man I encountered that wanted to go the Holy Land of Israel on his honeymoon (a totally NON-romantic place unless you love Jesus) meant that he had the same passion as I do. God gives you options based on where you are in life. If you hang out in bars etc., that is the type of options you will have. If you are walking in the center of God’s will, then you will encounter options of people who share your passions. God does not have one ‘picked out’ for you that is only for you. Think about it… if God had one chosen for you, what if you picked someone that God had picked for someone else? That would create a domino effect that messed up the plan for gozillions of people for generations. The Bible absolutely says NOTHING about God having one for everyone already planned. Read the story of how Isaac’s servant chose Rebecca. He was sent to a certain family with same beliefs, chose AN ATTRIBUTE TO LOOK FOR, and then went with it. Research Mark Gungor on ‘soul mates’ for this one. He is hilarious and on point with Truth.
What qualities are important to have in the person you marry, to build on the foundation of Christ?
Salvation is a must, but only the beginning. Look for a spouse that loves Jesus more than he loves himself, and more than he loves you, someone who doesn't compromise beliefs and isn't afraid to stand up for them.
It can be hard not to put your spouse above God at times. How do we balance this to honor God?
Never put your spouse above God. However, when you are married, both husbands and wives have specific responsibilities that are in proper order. Research Jimmy Evans from Marriage Today on this issue. His teachings are what God used to make our marriage healthy.
How do you decide that you are to marry someone, or just be friends, as friendship seems to be an important part of marriage? What sets it apart?
Nothing sets it apart. God gives us free will to choose our spouse. If a person fits description above, consider common interests and just choose wisely. In the Bible, parents chose the spouse, and these marriages were permanent, not disposable, were strong in love and grew properly. One exception: Do not get romantically involved with, or marry, someone you have discipled. Too many variables may be linked to you, rather than to their personal relationship with Jesus.
WAIT for sex. Nothing good that comes from being out of order. It will either lead to break up so that your gift reserved only for your spouse is gone, or if you marry someone you are having sex with, your relationship growth will be stunted, and there is a lack of trust that affects your entire future. The Word says in 1 Corinthians 7:9: "But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion. I disagree that you need to put off being married until after you hit a goal or two. If you are in the center of God’s will, and you find a man who is centered in God’s will, and you want to get married, GET MARRIED and do life together!! Waiting will just add unnecessary temptation!
Is sex ok before marriage if you plan to be married?
Does marriage exist in heaven?
Marriage is an earthly foreshadowing of a spiritual future. The Church is considered the Bride of Christ, our Bridegroom, and the construct of marriage points to this ultimate relationship for eternity. Therefore, just as the Old Testament is fulfilled in the New Testament, Marriage is fulfilled in the eternal relationship between Christ and His Bride.
What is God's design for leadership in a marriage?
The main points about marriage are from Genesis 1, and they are given to the man. Men are to LEAVE (their families) and CLEAVE (or ‘pursue’ their wives). MEN are the pursuers. They are to pursue the woman, pursue the relationship, pursue the marriage relationship. Women are to supplement that with her gifts and unique characteristics to balance the family. Man was created first in God’s image, woman was taken out of man, therefore the TWO TOGETHER are a whole, created in His image. Men are created to be the leaders, but must regard and validate input from the wife for proper balance.
Is singleness cast negatively in our culture?
This generation is getting married later, if they get married at all. The church has done a poor job making marriage look positive, and many are opting out. Even having a family is not a reason to get married in our culture today. There are provisions everywhere for single parent homes, though it is difficult to thrive this way.
In the church?
God gave us creation and how to use marriage to glorify him. Genesis 1:28 says God blessed them and said to them “Be fruitful and multiply...fill the earth and subdue it”. He also tells us in Genesis 2:24 (also in Ephesians) that a man should leave his father and mother and be united to his wife. The concept of marriage was created by God to be a tool to deliver the Gospel message and disciple in the faith, furthering His Kingdom on earth.
That being said, in 1 Corinthians 7:9 Jesus Himself said “If you cannot abstain than be married.” That should be very simple, marriage is the only outlet for sexual expression of any type. Though there is forgiveness for temporary indiscretion, a Christian single who exhibits a lifestyle of any type of sexual release is choosing to rebel against this Word. Unfortunately, even many churches ignore it rather than speak out or teach.
However, this scripture also allows for one loophole to remain single: if one can abstain then they do not need to marry. In the Catholic faith, Priests and Nuns are committed to God and do not marry. Unfortunately, many of them do not fit this category, which brings sexual perversion into the church.
How would you respond to Christians who believe that being a part of a local church is unnecessary?
To properly answer this question, we need to determine the concept of WHO The Church actually is. We water down our services to attract unbelievers, rather than obey The Great Commission where God COMMANDS us to ‘Go Out into the World’ and bring them back into the Church’ (from Matthew 28:19). Surely this includes Missionaries to other Nations, but it also includes the communities we live in.
Hebrews 10: 24-25 makes it clear that we should not forsake the gathering together of ourselves. Most of the New Testament is written to teach us how to encourage, and also admonish, our fellow believers. Our fallen world does not offer this, but rather accommodates and embraces any whim we may have. I love this question because it does not say we should ‘GO TO CHURCH’, but it says we should ‘BE A PART OF THE CHURCH’. Too many times we lose the context of The Church when we make it about the building, the service itself, events, serving, etc. While all of that is part of the interworking of The Church, it is not THE CHURCH and unfortunately becomes the focus of many. On the same note, the church can be anywhere 2 or 3 are gathered in His name (from Matthew 18:20).
The church is where THE TRUTH should be the focus, so that we will be a light to our communities. Outside the church the Truth becomes muddied and perverted, and even many modern churches typically place more emphasis on ‘forgiveness for everything’ than they do ‘calling out ungodly behavior’. The only way we grow as believers AND as a church, is to encourage and admonish each other in the love of Christ, so we can replace ungodly behaviors and practices with godly ones that glorify Him. Certainly Christ Himself did not forgive without obedience. When presented with hurting people in sin, He said ‘Go and sin no more’ or ‘Your sins are forgiven’, placing the emphasis on soul and spirit, while then healing their bodies. The New Testament churches were dealing with the legalism of previously Jewish people, and the pagan beliefs of those coming from other religions. The Church is responsible for this discipleship of The Truth.